Christian Sex Education | 6 Truths on What NOT To Do When Teaching Teens About Sex

Christian Sex Education, whether you are teaching your teen or a bunch of teens, Christian Sex Education can seem like quite an undertaking. There are many fears, misconceptions, and stress surrounding the very important topic of sex for our teenagers today. While they are many blog posts on what to do, there isn’t a whole lot on what NOT to do. With 15 years of preaching and teaching on Christian sex education, there is plenty of what NOT to do.

Talking to your teen about sex can almost seem like the equivalent of needing a root canal. You know it needs to get done but you definitely don’t want to be the one to do it. The look of fear has been known throughout the generations so you’re not the first one to suffer from it and you won’t be the last.

On the other side, you may love to talk to teens about purity or are thinking about it but don’t know how to go about it. Either way, Christian Sex Education is so important for this generation because it matters in the kingdom of God. These tips may help you in avoiding some awkward mistakes either I have done or personally witnessed other people do.

“See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.” (Col. 2:8)

It goes without saying that there is a lot of misinformation about sex directed to our children with a focal point on our tweens and teens. We are called to lead them in God’s ways, with His authority, and sex is a topic that must not be left to the masses.

In all the years I have been talking about sexual purity, these NOT to-dos were hand picked and not an exhaustive list. Once you’ve been teaching Christian sex education for a while, you pick up on the wide eyes, eye rolls, and questionable looks from both the parents and teens. Again, whether I did it myself, heard it in conversation, or at a seminar, they are definitely some things you want to avoid when talking about sex to either your teen or a bunch of them.

Remember, talking about sex with a teen is already awkward, don’t make it more awkward than it has to be by doing things you think is cool or funny, but is definitely not. Remember, many tweens and teenagers have been sexually abused or mistreated in this area, we are called to treat this topic with Holy Spirit care because we don’t know the history of who is sitting in our audience.

Let’s begin with some tips on what to-do which will later be followed by the NOT to-dos.

Christian Sex Education | To-Dos

First, here are some TO-DO TIPS:

Tip #1: Speak about it with authority.

We are called to speak about it especially since those who are talking about it may or may not be giving your teen Godly information. Christian Sex Education is all about bringing Jesus Christ into the conversation of sex in a Godly, safe, and healthy manner.

Please take time to read the passage below, the brackets are my input from either looking into the Greek background of the word through www.blueletterbible.org, my own thoughts, or Holy Spirit leading in teaching this throughout the years. It is just a glimpse of how important purity is to the Lord. There are many more scriptures so please take time to research those for yourself.

“For this is the will of God [God’s design, His requirement of us], your sanctification [being made or becoming holy]: that you abstain [restrain oneself from doing or enjoying something] from sexual immorality [ask the Holy Spirit what this may look like in your life]; that each one of you [no one is exempt whether male or female, married or single, race, economic status, etc.] know how to control [we are not animals, we were made with intelligence separate from animals and as Christians we do have this ability due to the gift and fruit of the Holy Spirit, see Gal. 5:22-23] his [women are not exempt, it’s the equivalent of the use of the word mankind, Strong’s definition includes, himself, herself, itself, themselves] own body [focus is on you, your body] in holiness and honor [we are declared holy by God through our declaration and acceptance of Jesus Christ, our past or their past doesn’t define us], not in the passion of lust [Strong’s definition includes, desire, craving, longing for what’s forbidden] like the Gentiles [Strong’s definition points to the word “ethos” is a tribe, nation, people group, the human family] who do not know God;” (1 Thess. 4:3-5, brackets are my interpretation from the research in Strong’s concordance of certain words)

Tip #2: Look for opportunities to talk about it.

Every generation has been a sexual generation in its own form. You don’t have to look far for subject matter.

Whether you are in the car dropping them off at their high school with the music playing, looking at a commercial, watching a couple at the mall, there are so many instances you can point to and refer to God’s stance on it.

It may seem like we are coming off judging, but again its all around us and if we don’t address it someone else will. We need to bring the light of Jesus to those things in the dark.

What path do we want them to take? The world has done a fantastic job on glamorizing and putting sex on a pedestal along with deviant sexual behavior. People make millions off the sex industry all the time without realizing how much their soul is decaying.

We do not want our teens to be one of them.

Correcting God’s design of sex comes in increments throughout someone’s life and Christian Sex Education helps with this journey. It’s not a singular conversation but several. It is to be taught according to their level of understanding and with Godly wisdom with the power of the Holy Spirit.

Tip #3: Keep it age appropriate.

Christian Sex Education can be tricky if you have many different age groups. If you want to talk to your middle schooler about it or even your 3rd grader, make sure to keep it age appropriate or according to what they’ve already been exposed to. You don’t know until you ask. Ask them.

For instance, I bought this box of books to talk to my child about sex. There were all age groups included but as I was looking at them I didn’t think she was ready. I decided to ask her, “Have you ever heard the word ‘sex’?” She proceeded to tell me her summer camp counselor was talking about how she does it with her boyfriend, my daughter was 7 years old at the time. Let’s just say, we started reading those books that night!

It’s also okay to filter whatever books you do have or customize it as you see fit. A lot of these books are speaking in general terms but they don’t know what you have been through or your child. Again, asking the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to guide you through these conversations will help relieve a lot of stress.

If you are teaching it to a large group, sometimes separating the age groups and genders will help keep the space open for feeling Godly, safe and healthy conversation while keeping it age appropriate. Remember, we are dealing with teens and when conversations like this come up, the immaturity level will too. It could be defense mechanism for embarrassment, wanting to get attention, or avoidance if they have been abused in some way. It’s okay to pause and get everyone’s attention in a patient manner.

Keep in mind, we don’t want to open up ideas when there doesn’t need to be. We want to keep kids “little” for as long as possible so being detailed in talking with sex isn’t necessary. If they have personal questions, save it for later, away from the crowd, and with another witness for your protection and theirs when speaking on intimate matters.

I have also found it may not be too late to start teaching teenagers the Godly standard for sex. Christian Sex Education often focuses on the virgins or preventative matters and rarely focuses on those who have already started having sex. Healing may need to be had for those who have suffered at the hands of someone else or from their own mistakes.

Now here are the NOT to-dos when talking about sexual purity with your teen. Again, this is not an exhaustive list, but a great start on what to avoid and why.

Christian Sex Education | NOT to-dos

#1 NOT to-do: Do NOT use raunchy language.

We may think it’s cool or funny to tell sex jokes, make it vulgar, use raunchy vernacular of the time, maybe even the latest trending lyrics from a popular artist, because we think that’s the way to connect to them.

I promise you, it’s not.

It makes things super awkward and you will get side eyes accompanied by looks of straight disgust.

The only ones who may laugh are the ones deep in sin already and we want to avoid encouraging that type of behavior. We can do this by approaching this subject with respect and the correct form by which the Lord brought it forth through the Word of God.

Sex is the Lord’s design not the devil’s twist of the times.

Again, we don’t know who has been molested, sexually abused, etc. so we want to approach the topic of sex and the intended audience with the respect and care it deserves without the use of triggering language.

#2 NOT to-do: Do NOT assume because they are teenagers they know about sex already.

When it comes to Christian Sex Education, we don’t know what level the teen(s) are at. We must approach it with the stance and awareness like you are blocking a toddler with a spaghetti-soaked face from diving into your white couch. It must be done with ease, wisdom, and a mighty swiftness.

Many people believe teenagers already know about sex so why talk about it? Why bother when they’ve already heard it in school, TV, or from their friends? This is dangerous territory and the actual questions to ask yourself are, “Do they actually know about sex? What do they think they know about sex? Is it Godly?”

I don’t know about you but there were only a few things I remember about sex when I was a teen. It was either from health class in regard to how to use a condom, from a relative to wait until marriage with no reason as to why, or from the music videos I watched where waiting two weeks to have sex was considered to be wifey material.

What do your teens ACTUALLY know about sex? Is it Godly?

If you don’t know what they know, ask.

#3 NOT to-do: Do NOT assume they don’t know anything.

I know this sounds like a contradiction to #2 but there are many who are on the opposite side of the spectrum who think their kids know nothing about sex. As much as we can keep certain subjects from our kids, especially Parents/care givers who are devoted Jesus lovers, work for the church nonstop, run a tight ship, etc., the enemy is sneaky.

He may have already found a way to your tween or teen we never even thought about. Friends, church leaders, commercials, the topic of sex has permeated every avenue of our lives.

The goal of Christian Sex Education needs to be bringing the topic of sex back under God’s light and away from the darkness the enemy has put it in. If we ignore it, thinking they know nothing, then we are leaving them at the mercy of those sources we have already discussed. Teach them how to hear from God, the Word of God, and how to be in community with people who may or may not be of God, this way they can have the tools and ability to learn how to gauge between God’s truths and the enemy’s lies.

#4: NOT to-do: Do NOT avoid the conversation.

If you act weird about it, they will feel weird about it. When you avoid the conversation, their questions, or fail to speak on misconceptions on sex when the opportunity arises, it sets an undeniable tone. They will look at sex as dirty and that is not the original design or intention when God created it. In turn, this will drive them into isolation and have them searching for answers in the internet vortex or other sources that may not be God centered.

They need guidance. We all do. Christian Sex Education can help remind God’s people of His original design for sex and following His commands to protecting it.

“And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it…” (Gen. 1:28)

It’s a blessing. A calling. And a command. We are the ones that GET to participate with our legacy through our teenagers in creating the right foundation for our future generations while also correcting what was brought down through the generations above ours. If we are teaching teenager(s) that aren’t in our direct family link, we are helping them do the same for their generations.

#5: Do NOT counsel a teen alone especially when talking about intimate matters involving sex.

We are living in times where we don’t know what gender a teen may be associating with, what type of history they are bringing with them, or what kind of conversation they want to engage in. When counseling any student, have at least one other Christian leader or witness present.

Regardless if you are a Pastor, Youth Leader, Coach, whatever role you play in a teenager’s life, it helps keep everyone safe from temptations, accusations, miscommunication, or anything else the enemy tries to throw your way. It keeps everyone accountable.

#6: Do NOT assume you’re exempt from sexual purity.

Kids watch EVERYTHING you do. Christian Sex Education goes beyond a pulpit, conference center, books, or any other resource available. They are looking at you to see if you walk the walk. Are you bringing them closer to the Lord and His commandments to stay sexually pure or are you giving them a reason to be able to sin in that area?

From the TV shows you watch, how you act when another attractive person is around whether you are single or married, what books you read, or how many people you have sleeping over or are dating at any given time. They are watching.

Teens look for Godly examples.

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matt. 5:16)

If you’re a Pastor, Youth Leader, or even just a church member, they are looking for #relationshipgoals everywhere. Let us be a generation that can give that to them. Many come from divorced parents, they want to see what a Godly, healthy, marriage looks like or even what it looks like to be single and Godly. They need examples of both, let’s give it to them!

There you have it! Christian Sex Education and the 6 Truths on What NOT to do When Teaching Teens about Sex. Again, this is not exhaustive or perfect list, you will need the Holy Spirit to fill in the blanks and make it personal for you and your audience, but praise the Lord we aren’t without help. You have the Holy Spirit, use Him!

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” (Rom. 8:26)

“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.” (John 16:13)

Please let me know in the comments below if you have any questions, scriptures, or resources that have helped you.

Baskets of Blessings,
Nina Daugherty